Goodbye Jenny:

We said Goodbye to a friend here yesterday. Our dog was eighteen, and her health was quickly deteriorating.


We had her euthanized. I had very complicated feelings about the whole thing. The last year or so with Jenny was not good, and I was sort of at the end of my rope with the amount of cleaning-up that I could continue to do every day in addition to all of my other cleaning up around here, and at work. I was feeling tired of it, and so was she. My whole attitude was affected by it for a long time, and I think that wasn't good for the rest of my family. So now I feel a mixture of relief, guilt, sadness, loss, and regret that I wasn't able to be nicer to Jenny toward the end. I was just so tired, and we've been trying to sell this damn house for two years, so with people coming through here every week for that long, and a dog that pooped on the floor often -I wasn't at my best or my most understanding. I feel like a real jerk. I am trying to give myself a break on this, but every time I think about that dog I start to cry. I do miss her -I know my husband sure does too. Ray keeps asking: "Where Jenny go?" Then she says: "Jenny went home". -and we tell her that's right, Jenny went home, and she is dead now, and we won't see her again. She doesn't understand, but accepts this answer. We have been explaining "dead" for some time, now. I'm sadder than I thought I'd be. I think we did the right thing. I hope so. I don't know.

No Photo Today:

Man, it's still really cold here. Ray and I both need to get outside soon. Things are good otherwise. I continue to grow in all directions, but I feel pretty good still. In about three weeks I find out what kind of baby I'm getting this time. That's the most exciting thing, isn't it? I no longer think I'm having a boy due to the fact that my heart cannot ever settle on a name for one. That has to mean something. I have one more girl's name than I currently need, so if it is a girl, she may end up with some kooky double name thing. We'll see.

If this place were warmer:

I think I would post more if my computer weren't located in part of the house that we don't heat. We can only heat the rooms that we are in most of the time. So Sometimes the office feels as cold as outside, and it's not a good place for thinking or staying. When the weather warms up you'll be hearing a lot more from me.

In the meantime, I dream of sunshine and long walks. Have I metioned this before? Well, I know I'm not alone.

Right now my days are made up of "muddling-through". Trying to remember that better times lie ahead while at the same time appreciating what I have -which is a whole lot:

I do love that little girl somethin' awful, and her daddy too. I am doing well -much better than the last couple months. I feel pretty good most of the time, though a bit tired, especially in the evening. My body gives up a little earlier than usual when I have to do my housekeeping job, too. I wonder how pregnant I will be when I have to stop. Some days at the end of the job I can barely lift Ray without really hurting my back, and I end up spending the evening in the tub after she goes to bed. Not a bad way to go, really, but my muscles seem to lock up on me in ways that they didn't used to. I am taking good care of us, and that helps a lot. Even though our money is dwindling, I do not take on more than we can stand. That is the difference between this year and the last. I feel happy, I am in love with my family, and so grateful to be adding to it.

However, the cold here is bitter, bitter, bitter still. It has a way of wearing at you. Stiff hands, chapped fingers, peeling lips -the things that make mothers old before their time. I see the aging of myself in the mirror every morning -the lines in the forehead that come from nightime money worries and daytime squinting against blinding white sunshine and frozen winds.

Any day now...I always remember that first day of the year that the temperature reaches sixty degrees. I miss driving with no coat on.