Monday, October 12, 2009

An overdue post:

This is a picture that Ray and I drew together a few weeks ago -but this is not how things really are right now.


I love this picture, and I wish this was how I feel, but it isn't. I have recently had to admit to myself and others that I seem to have developed a degree of Post-partum Depression. It sort of snuck-up on me.

I didn't have it at all after Ray was born, but this time is different. I have been weepy, and angry, and unwilling to face the fact that this is what's happening, but now I feel the need to tell on myself. I am not being the wife and mother that I want to be. I feel a horrendous amount of guilt over it all. My daughter is in a phase right now that is pushing me over the edge, and my husband and I have ZERO time together. I find myself mourning the loss of our freedom to just be a couple. I miss him so much, but am totally unable to show him that. Instead, I am a shrew. Every day I try to start fresh with both of them, and most days I blow it. I want to maintain my cool with Ray, and model good behaviour that she will emulate, instead I lose my temper when despite my best efforts she still acts like someone I don't even know half the time. Where did my sweet little companion go? I miss her too. I am now the mom at whom strangers cluck their tongues when I have to drag my two year old kicking and screaming out of the library while wrestling with the stupid baby car seat carrier. I never wanted to be that woman. I have always felt sorry for that woman. I see friends feeling sorry for me when I have both of them in the natural foods store, and I don't even get to finish my coffee, and I am trying to balance my wallet on something to dig out the change for the coffee I couldn't afford and still didn't get to finish.

Well, what a ramble-rant. I can allow this to go on only so long, I guess. I have to find a way to get over myself. The most important thing for me is that they don't remember their mom as scary and mad. -And that Josh doesn't come to regret his decision to do all this. I know I'm not alone. I'm sure it will pass -Zev is very new, and a rough patch is to be expected. I feel better having said all this.

480 comments:

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neaj said...

I cannot even imagine what you're going through. I've heard that the second child is not a cake walk (in comparison to no. 3). I've heard that staying at home may exacerbate such a situation- although obviously not being with your children is not the winning alternative. Just remember to call on whatever got you through your second birth and the tought parts of your life through now. Step back and observe yourself, so much so that you can enjoy this crazy moment when Zev is brand new and Ray is freaking out about it and you're exhausted and an emotional wreck. Breathe and laugh, to the extent possible- don't engage with where Ray is trying to lead you, and don't engage with where your exhausted body is trying to lead you. (Some people consider, as wonderful as it is, pregnancy as a long illness from which your body has to recover- the post-partum hormones are part of this). All the tears and screeching and temperament...This too is life, right?

jill said...

oh paula, soo sorry you're having a rough patch. you are a fabulous mother. sending you love and support!

Paula said...

Wow, I couldn't be happier to hear from the two of you! Thanks so much for the pep talks. Why the heck aren't either of you on Facebook, by the way? We could keep in touch much more easily that way...

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