Goodbye Jenny:

We said Goodbye to a friend here yesterday. Our dog was eighteen, and her health was quickly deteriorating.


We had her euthanized. I had very complicated feelings about the whole thing. The last year or so with Jenny was not good, and I was sort of at the end of my rope with the amount of cleaning-up that I could continue to do every day in addition to all of my other cleaning up around here, and at work. I was feeling tired of it, and so was she. My whole attitude was affected by it for a long time, and I think that wasn't good for the rest of my family. So now I feel a mixture of relief, guilt, sadness, loss, and regret that I wasn't able to be nicer to Jenny toward the end. I was just so tired, and we've been trying to sell this damn house for two years, so with people coming through here every week for that long, and a dog that pooped on the floor often -I wasn't at my best or my most understanding. I feel like a real jerk. I am trying to give myself a break on this, but every time I think about that dog I start to cry. I do miss her -I know my husband sure does too. Ray keeps asking: "Where Jenny go?" Then she says: "Jenny went home". -and we tell her that's right, Jenny went home, and she is dead now, and we won't see her again. She doesn't understand, but accepts this answer. We have been explaining "dead" for some time, now. I'm sadder than I thought I'd be. I think we did the right thing. I hope so. I don't know.

No Photo Today:

Man, it's still really cold here. Ray and I both need to get outside soon. Things are good otherwise. I continue to grow in all directions, but I feel pretty good still. In about three weeks I find out what kind of baby I'm getting this time. That's the most exciting thing, isn't it? I no longer think I'm having a boy due to the fact that my heart cannot ever settle on a name for one. That has to mean something. I have one more girl's name than I currently need, so if it is a girl, she may end up with some kooky double name thing. We'll see.

If this place were warmer:

I think I would post more if my computer weren't located in part of the house that we don't heat. We can only heat the rooms that we are in most of the time. So Sometimes the office feels as cold as outside, and it's not a good place for thinking or staying. When the weather warms up you'll be hearing a lot more from me.

In the meantime, I dream of sunshine and long walks. Have I metioned this before? Well, I know I'm not alone.

Right now my days are made up of "muddling-through". Trying to remember that better times lie ahead while at the same time appreciating what I have -which is a whole lot:

I do love that little girl somethin' awful, and her daddy too. I am doing well -much better than the last couple months. I feel pretty good most of the time, though a bit tired, especially in the evening. My body gives up a little earlier than usual when I have to do my housekeeping job, too. I wonder how pregnant I will be when I have to stop. Some days at the end of the job I can barely lift Ray without really hurting my back, and I end up spending the evening in the tub after she goes to bed. Not a bad way to go, really, but my muscles seem to lock up on me in ways that they didn't used to. I am taking good care of us, and that helps a lot. Even though our money is dwindling, I do not take on more than we can stand. That is the difference between this year and the last. I feel happy, I am in love with my family, and so grateful to be adding to it.

However, the cold here is bitter, bitter, bitter still. It has a way of wearing at you. Stiff hands, chapped fingers, peeling lips -the things that make mothers old before their time. I see the aging of myself in the mirror every morning -the lines in the forehead that come from nightime money worries and daytime squinting against blinding white sunshine and frozen winds.

Any day now...I always remember that first day of the year that the temperature reaches sixty degrees. I miss driving with no coat on.

A Really Nice Way to Pass the Afternoon:

My doula came over this afternoon to make me a custom pregnancy tea blend of my very own. The day was really cold and icy, but the dining room was bright and warm.



The smell of Lavender, and sunny Chamomile blossoms was like a memory of summer. Oh GOD I can't wait for summer -I'm not going to waste a second of it this year. This will be my last summer alone with my little girl. I will miss our long stroller walks all around town. We used to meander everywhere on these crumbling mountain sidewalks.

There was that potent, healthy smell in my house today of plants that were tended in the sun.

We have fresh whole wheat pumpkin cake (with raisins -of course) as well, and I think I will take a little with my pregnancy tea this evening.

I have a special little bag of Chamomile blossoms just for Rayona as well, because she loves to have some of Mommy's tea. I think I will incorporate that into her bedtime routine -she will be very excited to have her own cup.

Doing Things Differently This Time:

There were things about my last pregnancy and birth that fell short of what I wanted. To be fair, I didn't have such a clear IDEA of what I wanted back then, but this time I do. I have decided that this time things will be different, and I will really not settle for much less than what I believe I deserve as a mother, and a woman.



There are aspects of my personality that I shelved last time, because I didn't feel that they were understood, or shared by others around me, and I allowed myself to be swayed by a way thinking about prenatal care that is way more clinical than I like to be. I loved my midwife, but the hospital system stinks. This time that midwife is no longer easily available to me, and my new provider is VERY obstetrical, which makes me really uncomfortable. In my region it is not typically possible for a woman to give birth in the setting of her choice, but I am working very hard to arrange something for myself. In the mean time I am enduring lots of very clinical care. Yuck. I am telling myself that I am lucky to have access to it at all, and that the rest is up to me. I'll just have to learn how to dwell within that system in my own way. What's helping me along is that I've hired a WONDERFUL doula. She is fast becoming a good friend, and making me believe that I can have the birth that I want.

With Rayona I avoided all herbs -on the advice of medical personnel -which is fairly typical. This time I am educating myself in the wisdom of generations hebalists and midwives, and taking some of the nourishing herbs that provide things like calcium and vitamin K. I will also be doing some essential oils, and aromatherapy in preparation for the birth -wherever that may take place. It is really good to feel like I deserve these small things, and that I'm not strictly governed by the opinions of the medical community here.

I've also decided to have a blessingway, which is something I wanted last time, but was afraid that my friends would not understand it. Now I've just learned to give them more credit over the years. I'm really excited about this, and I'm using my restless time before falling asleep at night to dream up all the things I want for that -as well as my ideal birthing environment. My mind's eye has been very busy lately.

I would love to hear any experiences that any of you have had with any of these things as well. I just really want to do things differently this time, and honor the process properly.

Sooooo...

I've been keeping something under my hat for about 12 weeks now, but I can't wait any longer to get it out there:

Ta-da! Another little one coming along. We couldn't be happier about this. It didn't happen quite as easily as the first time -which was a surprise for us, but I think the timing is acually very good. It turns out that all I needed to do was wean Rayona completely, and we got what we were waiting for immediately after that. I had been reluctant to do it, but based on what I was seeing in my temperature charts (as well as the example of several other women I knew) I began to suspect that was the issue. She was 19 months at that point, so she did fine with it. There was nothing traumatic about it -we just sort of gradually ...stopped. In fact, after that point she seemed to quickly transform from a baby to a little girl, and I felt really good about the decision.

So here we are, and I wasn't sure I would even make it this far what with the barrage of illnesses to add to my usual first trimester woes. Aside from the whole agonizing stomach flu thing I am actually much less sick than I was with Rayona. I threw up FAR less often, and that part seems to be almost over. I do however, have the same amount of reflux. Already. I think I am dealing with it all differently this time, because I had to work for this baby (who is now fully formed, and the size of a small plum). He or she is due in the first week of September which I think is a perfect time to give birth. I am convinced that this one will be a boy. Just a feeling.

SO missing summer:

I am feeling better. -And I want to thank everyone I know for being so nice to me through all of this. I hope it is over.

I have been doing some SERIOUS daydreaming lately. My mind keeps drifting back to last summer and all of the times we had as a family. One of the most notable was the trip we took to the farmer's market in Burlington:


That was such a lovely afternoon. In these times of dark and grey I keep going over the things I used to do that seem so far away now. I don't know what it is about this winter that has been so different. I've never had so hard a time. Maybe it's all the illness, or the lack of money. Those are valid concerns. I think mostly, though, it has been the most isolated winter I have had. I don't see my husband as often as I need to to be happy, I guess. This is necessary for now. My days are so long, and lonely. If not for my friends I would have gone stark raving mad by now. So thanks, all.