Nap Knits

Hello Terrible Two's:

2011-07-18T12:39:00.006-04:00

It's good to see you again...

...How long do you think you will be staying? -just out of curiosity.

2011-07-18T12:39:00.002-04:00

I still haven't bothered to post any projects from the last six months or so, but here's some of it:

These (except the cat) were Christmas presents for Rayona. The heads are Paper Mache, and the bodies are cloth. They take FOREVER, but are fun to do.
Also, Big Baby got new hair, new pajamas and slippers:

There are more pictures on Flickr. That's all for now, really -except we got a dog. Actually that's a REALLY long story of trial and error, and driving all over the north country in search of a good dog for our particular family. Plus, I really wanted a dog for me. The kind of dog I have always dreamed of having. A dog who sticks right next to me, and walks politely on or off a leash. A dog who will be my serious hiking buddy and who likes my kids. We have found that dog finally. She was well worth the wait. I have always wanted this kind of dog. Her name is Penny:

Yay!! A new son:

2011-02-12T14:40:00.004-05:00

Ami Jacobson Leipzig (pronounced AH-mee).

7lbs 1oz, 20-1/2".

-A quick, INTENSE, unmedicated hospital birth this time. I couldn't ask for more. Thank you everyone who helped make the experience great -you know who you are! I love you all. More to come. I'm going back to bed.

Yesterday:

2010-10-23T08:35:00.002-04:00

After a morning that started at 5:30 and looked like this times 10:

(because my son is going through a super-needy-lots-of-screaming phase) I was feeling pretty bad. My children are really relentless right now. Both of them want me all the time, and I'm not getting any peace most days. I mean really not a single break until they go to bed, so I'm making sure that happens very early. I am only 23 weeks along, but I feel HUGE, and this time I have horrible back pain, so my ability to deal is somewhat limited.

So while the boy is napping I try to make sure that Ray gets some special constructive mama-time. We made bread. We spoke in very quiet voices the whole time to try and "reset" the volume that was going on in the house. It was really nice, and I felt like peace was somewhat restored.

Then after Zev woke up we went to the library where I got to knit about 2 rounds on my latest project in between getting up to keep the baby out of trouble. He is very different than my daughter was in that he not only requires constant supervision, but also constant intervention. He is SO active, and a terrible climber. There is a catastrophe about every 15 seconds if you're not right on him all the time.

By the way my latest project is this:

Same as the last one, but in the "Chickie Masla" colorway (Peace Fleece). It is getting its sleeves right now. I am outgrowing these sweaters more quickly than I can knit them, so getting the fit right is a guessing game. -But on and on I knit, because I have to. It's all I've got. At the festival I saw a bumper sticker that said: "I knit, so no one has to die." Perhaps a bit harsh, but there's something to that. I am also trying to find time in the evenings for a rather ambitious Christmas project for Rayona -as usual, so pe-natal yoga time is pretty much out the window for now. I really need to be doing it, but there's only so much energy to go around, and most nights I'm too tired, and spent to even think about it. I realize the aparent stupidity in avoiding the one thing which could possibly help me physically, but I'm just soooooo tired, and Christmas presents are a big deal when you're three and a half. Especially ones made by your mom. She knows I'm up to something, so it had better be good.

Well, we're back:

2010-10-19T12:41:00.005-04:00

We went to Rhinebeck again for the festival, and it was great as usual.

Everything was so pretty, and we had awesome weather.

I ate everything I intended to, and apparently have gained another NINE pounds this month, but that's pretty on-track for me. I also bought some really beautiful wool for a few projects. All in all it was splendid. Thank you sweet husband for providing your family with such a lovely weekend that was more meaningful than you can ever know. The Sheep and Wool Festival is something I anticipate every year, and it never disappoints!

Another Autumn Post:

2010-10-02T16:57:00.005-04:00

Yay Fall is here! My favorite, and in my opinion this almost the best place to be for it. The Hudson Valley is a little better, but the Adirondacks will do. This year the warm weather drastically shortened our leaf season. It was cold today, though.

I am very sad that farmer's market season is coming to a close, and I feel that I should have bothered to buy more bushels of things to put up. Now I will have to go back to supermarket shopping very soon. Yuck, but I was busy with not feeling so great up until recently, and my sense of planning went out the window.

Next year maybe my garden will have better luck as well.

Well, I've found out that I'm having another little boy. I was pretty surprised, because I was so sure it was a girl this time. So this is really exciting, and I'm struggling with names again, and trying to decide what color to paint their room. The room where my son currently sleeps is pretty empty and plain, so some boyish decoration is in order. I love that we're going to have a room for "the boys". That's so fun. Ray is happy, although she had requested a sister. When I told her she just said: "Oh! There will be two Baby Zevs!". I said: "Sort-of".

This is the best I could do:

2010-09-14T17:18:00.004-04:00

In the time allowed to me by my children to take a photo. Which was none. I look a bit grim. Oh, well.

I finally have a sweater for me which I actually wear! This one is awesome, and so soft and really warm. The pattern is "#22 Garter Yoke Cardigan" available on Ravelry. The yarn is Peace Fleece, Kalinka Malinka Blue. Nice yarn, and very reasonably priced, though not for people who are sensitive about wool. It feels like wool for sure, and smells like the Dutchess County Fairgrounds During the NYS Sheep and Wool Festival, so it's A-OK with me. I will be knitting another one ASAP, because I am wearing this one every day. It's perfect for this climate, because it's really thick and dense. I love Autumn, and a couple new handknits for me are definitely called for this year. I do seem to be outgrowing this sweater rapidly though, at 18 weeks along (and 15 pounds), and I fear that it will actually be a bit big after the baby weight goes, but better than too small.

Speaking of the Sheep and Wool Festival -I am so looking forward to it as always. It's my favorite weekend of the whole entire year. I can smell the garlicky goodness of the fried artichoke stand, and the hot cider and hot chocolate with cinnamon, and the cups of coffee between freezing cold hands. We had wind and drizzle the last two years, but my spirits cannot be dampened on the third weekend of October. All the better to bundle up in wooly hats, and scarves and mittens and sweaters. Oh, if you're not a knitter you won't get it too well. My husband is not a knitter, but he is a trooper, and he likes food. My kids love the animals, so it's a win all around, and if it's not that's too bad, 'cause we're going.

ONE!!!!

2010-08-22T16:07:00.004-04:00

My boy is one:

It's hard to believe this is the same baby -he was SO dark when he was born. Now he is practically blonde, and tan like a surfer.

Obligatory baby-eating-cake-shot:

The cake was for Zev and Daddy who have their birthdays three days apart. The theme was "bugs" -mostly for Rayona's benefit. She was so excited. She really likes bugs.

She also got a "new" sleeping bag in which she spent the first few days camping in the living room. She now sleeps in it every night. SO great how a little thing like that is such fun when you're three.

She amazes me. Kids at this age are so able to absorb and retain information. She can identify many MANY species of animals in her children's reference books, and also local wildflowers and garden flowers. I love hearing her say: "Birdsfoot Trefoil". I never get tired of that.

In other baby news, I am beginning to feel like a human being again (most days). I still feel pretty yucky, but at almost fifteen weeks (already?) I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am now beginning to obsess over the gender of my child. You would think it wouldn't matter after already having a girl and a boy, and I have no preference, but I am SO ANXIOUS to find out what we're having. Now that I know how different they can be, and how much the family dynamic will be affected either way. If I end up with another boy I have no name for him. I agonized over the choosing of Zev's name, and we are all very happy with it (even though everyone still calls him "brother"). -But that took ages to sort out. If it's a girl I have a name which has been there since just after Rayona's birth. I feel like I'm supposed to have a little girl with that name some day, so if this one's a boy I may have to have another baby.

So anyway...

2010-07-31T13:14:00.005-04:00

I guess I decided to take a long break from blogging a while back. I just wasn't into it, and my readers had dropped off anyway. -But now I'm back -sort of.

We've been doing good summer stuff generally, and have just returned from our yearly trip to Cape Cod...which could have gone better in some ways. I have also been having a bit of gardening depression owing to a few different factors involving deer and other things. Oh well. We have some nice stuff to look at, but not much to eat.

The real reason I haven't felt like chatting much is that I have been struggling with some stomach issues...because I am pregnant again already (!!). Yay! So although I have been almost completely sidelined with "morning" sickness for many weeks somewhere deep down inside I am really very very happy. I have to keep reminding myself of this, because I can barely care for the children I already have right now. It's beginning to get better, but it has been SO rough. I didn't feel like this with my son, but I did with my daughter. I remember saying that I don't know how anyone could do this with other kids in the house. I just feel so nauseous and tired. It should be over soon if the past is any indication, and once it's gone -it's gone. I need this to be gone soon. YUCK. -But again...YAY!!

Not a lot of time for the ol' blog lately:

2010-05-10T16:23:00.004-04:00

Oh, well. It's amazing how much time even a little job like mine consumes. I only work four hours a day, but the whole rest of the day is devoted to getting us all there and then home and fed.

-But we had Mothers' Day.

This holiday seems to mean more to me with each passing year. I had a good one. The gift essentially was time enough to make myself a present:

I like it.

Ah, flowers. I love you so.

Also some gardening going on:

And this:

Ray is THREE!!! Yay sweet birthday girl. I love you "as much as the moon loves the stars, and the trees love the rain, and the flowers love the bees."

This week:

2010-04-04T22:52:00.005-04:00

Spring appears to be here, although in this place you never can tell. Last year it snowed on May 31st.

-But look:

He-he...YAY!!

We had Easter and Passover celebrations both.

We also had HOT weather. So lots of yard work and such with sundresses and bare-legged babies. Good stuff.

"Cry-Babies":

2010-03-15T21:25:00.005-04:00

Well, I haven't done much in the way of blogging -which is usual for this time of year. I have been super busy with work, and the very mundane at home. Speaking of which I thought I would write an ode to "cry-babies" which is what we call my favorite breakfast item around here. That name comes from the fact that whenever I make the weekly batch my son seems to be screaming at the top of his lungs for one of his various reasons. Anyhow, they are sweet potato-buckwheat biscuits:

The recipe came to me in a newsletter from the Waldorf school where I work right before Thanksgiving, but it was a "Joy of Cooking" type thing (all-purpose flour and added sugar), and not a whole-food type thing, so my mom and I tweaked it until we came up with something we liked better. I have had them almost every morning since with a cup of coffee -YUM. They are the only thing I want first thing in the day, and I always look forward to them. Plus, biscuits are such an old-fashioned, homey thing to make -aren't they? I bake them in two cast iron skillets and an old aluminum cookie sheet. They always come out perfect, and just the way I like them. I just can't say enough about these little things.

Again, YUM. That is all.

Not too much to report:

2010-02-27T12:38:00.002-05:00

Indoor play:

-A pair of little red mittens shipped off to a friend:

The days are so much noticeably longer, and that helps, but until we get to be outside a lot again things are tough. My daughter seems to have forgotten how to play independently while at home, and my son cries ALL THE TIME. I think he is teething. He chews, and chews, and chews everything, and drools more than I would have ever thought possible. He does not sleep more than an hour at a time ever, and the rest of the time chews and drools and fusses. He has red cheeks frequently, and red ears, and if you give him your knuckle he will crunch down on it with enough force to crush cars. He wants to nurse constantly. Well...babies, right?

Not too much to say:

2010-02-15T13:46:00.004-05:00

It's February...trying to make the best of it.

Winter:

2010-01-30T13:23:00.004-05:00

It is SO COLD right now. It's barely passing zero during the days this week.

-So I have created my own winter sun. It's hard to capture just how much bright yellow light it casts. The school had a workshop this morning for Scandinavian window stars. It was fun -I went alone, and got some good socializing done with a few of my co-workers. I brought a giant latte, and talked way too much. I think I really like my new job.

I am enjoying decorating my dining room this year. This is the only space in our home where we are all together at once usually, so that's where I concentrate my efforts, and it really feels special -at least to me.

What else...oh yeah, Baby Zev has some new pants and a new hat which exactly match his unusual dark blue-grey eyes:

-And I have been growing the most delicious sprouts in my kitchen. They taste just like springtime.

Oh gosh:

2010-01-17T14:33:00.002-05:00

Big boys:

-And big girls who have their own school bags:

*Sigh*

Finding Time:

2010-01-14T18:20:00.002-05:00

I am almost two weeks into my new job here , and so far I like it pretty well. It is totally exhausting, but otherwise it fits pretty well into our lives. I am having to find ways to fit all of my home responsibilities into my day as well, and that is a tough one. Thank goodness for my borrowed crock-pot. I have to avoid the temptation to rush us all around, and allow time for my kids to do things in their way when they need to. This is helping everyone stay happy about all the changes.

Ray likes school. It's very cute to see her lining up with all the bigger kids to come in from recess, and to wash their hands, and to join hands around the table for our lunch blessing. I think we are fitting in pretty well. I miss having time to knit. I have so much other stuff to cram into the morning and evening, that my projects have fallen to the wayside. I have dishes in my sink more often than I'd like as well -and unfolded laundry. For a neat person this is distressing, but there are only so many hours in a day. I think this will work for us until spring, and then I will try to find a way to have the summer mostly off to spend with my kids.

At this point it looks like financially we've come back around to the idea of renting out our house, and moving into the little apartment over our garage. That will be a challenge spacially, but I don't really care about that part of it. When our tenant's lease is up next fall our house will have been on the market for FOUR years. It's time to realize that it's just not going to sell. So strange considering that there's nothing wrong with it, and it's priced a lot lower than what we paid. People have said the bedrooms are too small, and there's no "master" bathroom. Yikes -whatever. It's been a great house for us and several other families over the last hundred or so years. These days people want more. Feh!

So as long as we can somehow add a washer and dryer to the apartment we can survive out there. It needs other things as well, but it'll do. I'm ok with stuffing us into two rooms. It's actually a pretty nice space -a converted barn, really. It can be cold, so we'll have to upgrade the heating a bit, and insulate better. The problem of course is finding cash to do all of this, and getting it all done before next winter. Additionally, we need a reliable tenant for our house. Sigh. It'll all work out somehow. It always does.

Christmas:

2009-12-29T15:21:00.003-05:00

We had a really nice (although too short) visit with our families. It was good to see everyone again. My sister-in-law had a beautiful tree up when we got there:

I was really glad that this year handmade gifts were a large part of the kids' Christmas. Here is a sampling -there are lots more photos over on Flickr. I want to say Thank You again to all of the ladies who participated in the stocking stuffer swap with us. Ray loved everything.

Hurray for handmade toys!!

We are catching up around here with some chores before I start my job next week, and I have messed up my back something fierce while shoveling snow, but I have a Christmas pudding, and a bottle of champagne waiting for me for New Year's Eve. Happy Holidays Everyone.

Around Here:

2009-12-21T15:14:00.004-05:00

Well, we've just been doing some Christmasing:

I've been busy knitting, of course. We leave for visiting on Wednesday, and I am extra excited for the kids to have their gifts from me this year. A lot of work went into some handmade goodies.

When we return, well...I will be beginning my new Job, it looks like. That's right. It's not that bad, actually -I have been offered a job as the new aftercare teacher at our local Waldorf School. So I can have my kids with me, and it will be a good setting for both of them. Taking care of a whole group of someone else's children all afternoon, though? That will be a challenge. I've decided it would be better than being stranded at home all winter with other people's children. At least we will get out of here every day. That doesn't happen in the cold months when I do daycare from here. I will be tired, and have less time for some things. We will have a "schedule" instead of just a "rhythm" to our days, and that will be something to get used to again. It will be what I make of it. I have to have income, and I guess this is the best kind of situation.

Oh my gosh!

2009-12-07T19:17:00.002-05:00

I have gotten most of my packages already for the Stocking Stuffer Swap, and I am so pleased! This is such a talented and generous group. Only, now I feel like my little offerings will seem a bit meager in comparison. They took me forever, so that's something, I guess. Thank you so much everyone. I will post photos after Christmas.

Also:

We got our tree! She loves it so much, and it was fun to go get it -Daddy bought it for us, so we keep thanking him. He is so nice.

Preparations:

2009-12-04T19:18:00.002-05:00

I have been feverishly working to get all things done that I feel are a necessary part of Christmas this year. The packages for the stocking stuffer swap will go in the mail tomorrow:

-decorations and Advent calendars are appearing:

I'll never finish, but it's all very pretty, and putting me in a good mood. I love how into it Ray is this year, which is why we've decided to have our first real Christmas tree. We will go pick it out this weekend -so exciting. In the meantime, there is a winter faire at the Waldorf school, a baby shower, and a regional craft bazaar all of which need to be attended as well -whew! Well, I'm off to make finger-sandwiches.

Holidaying:

2009-12-03T20:49:00.002-05:00

We had a nice Thanksgiving visiting relatives in New Jersey. Ray had tons of fun with her cousins.

Zev did this during dinner, and for that I was thankful:

I couldn't really even begin to catalog all the knitting projects that have been going on lately. A lot of it has been for the shop, which has been an interruption to my holiday knitting plans, but things are selling, and I'm getting quite a few custom order requests. All good things.

Baby mittens are now available in many colors (as a custom order), though this pair is sold.

These were not knitted for sale, but just for a little boy who is chewing on everything he can get his hands on:

At first I thought they were kind of an icky idea, but he loves them. I guess babies do love to chew on sweaters and blankets, so it makes sense. They are easy to grasp, and he just gets so excited whenever he sees them. Other than that, I will have to do a "what I'm making" post after Christmas. Seriously -it's sooooo much stuff.

Around here:

2009-11-19T20:50:00.006-05:00

Not too much to report. Things are good. "Brother " is three months old (and one week) -that's what he gets called most of the time -Brother. I wonder how long that will stick. He is smiling and cooing, and all that wonderful stuff that he's supposed to be doing at this age. All good.

Ray is also doing all that she is supposed to be doing at two years and seven months old.

-am I doing all that I'm supposed to be doing at thirty-four years old? Good question. Some days I feel like I'm supposed to be maintaining some sort of marketable skills for when my kids are old enough for me to be going back to work. I feel scared -like each day that I do only "mommy" things is getting me further from ever being able to earn a living again. -But this is all I can manage right now.

I knit obsessively. It's really the only thing I have going besides childcare, and it really helps me. It sure doesn't make me any money, though. I have so many projects going right now, and such a queue going in my head that I feel like I may never catch up by Christmas. I like it, though.

I have begun taking walks alone on the mornings that Josh leaves for work at 11:00. This also helps. I like heading out when everything is still a bit frozen, and there are sometimes snowflakes. On the way home the road is wet, and the eaves are all dripping. I bring a mug of coffee with me, or stop for a fill-up in town. I can stop in to visit all my favorite shopkeepers who always exclaim how strange it is to see me without my babies. Everyone says: "Good for you!" when I come in alone. I cherish these walks, and I think I will try to keep going until the weather insists that I quit. Walking has been a very healthy thing for me in recent years. Mostly I like to follow my town up the mountain and hang around the oldest and most interesting houses -many of which are in various states of decay. I love old houses, and some that we have here are built in impossibly steep locations.

Well, enough. My thoughts tend to drift these days.

In the Shop:

2009-11-10T13:30:00.002-05:00

SOOOO much knitting going on around here. I was asked to join a craft swap for the holidays this year, so I am busy making tiny things for that. I also have been knitting some little stuff for Ray's Waldorf kitchen that we are going to give her for Christmas. Add to that the fact that Zev needs new sweaters and pants and hats (obviously -like he doesn't have head to toe handknits already). Plus, I have a sweater I want to do for myself. I miss having yarn money for just whatever.

In the Shop:

2009-11-02T14:44:00.003-05:00

Thank you!

2009-10-30T21:16:00.003-04:00

To everyone who bought baby knits on Etsy this week -my shop is empty!

Ugh -It KILLS me to part with that sweater. There's just something about that one, but it was knitted for the shop, and I get too tempted to keep everything for Zev now that I have a tiny baby again. Maybe it's just the perfectly matching buttons. I will be adding some more stuff ASAP.

I have been slacking off in terms of inventory lately, because I am working on some Christmas projects. We have decided that this is the year that Ray should get her Waldorf kitchen, and I have been knitting some Accessories for that, as well as a little toy for baby Zev. More photos to follow in a day or so.

Updates

2009-10-13T21:31:00.000-04:00

There are new photos in my Etsy listings:

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5404795

Already?

2009-10-13T19:57:00.003-04:00

Really? This isn't helping.

An overdue post:

2009-10-12T21:31:00.003-04:00

This is a picture that Ray and I drew together a few weeks ago -but this is not how things really are right now.

I love this picture, and I wish this was how I feel, but it isn't. I have recently had to admit to myself and others that I seem to have developed a degree of Post-partum Depression. It sort of snuck-up on me.

I didn't have it at all after Ray was born, but this time is different. I have been weepy, and angry, and unwilling to face the fact that this is what's happening, but now I feel the need to tell on myself. I am not being the wife and mother that I want to be. I feel a horrendous amount of guilt over it all. My daughter is in a phase right now that is pushing me over the edge, and my husband and I have ZERO time together. I find myself mourning the loss of our freedom to just be a couple. I miss him so much, but am totally unable to show him that. Instead, I am a shrew. Every day I try to start fresh with both of them, and most days I blow it. I want to maintain my cool with Ray, and model good behaviour that she will emulate, instead I lose my temper when despite my best efforts she still acts like someone I don't even know half the time. Where did my sweet little companion go? I miss her too. I am now the mom at whom strangers cluck their tongues when I have to drag my two year old kicking and screaming out of the library while wrestling with the stupid baby car seat carrier. I never wanted to be that woman. I have always felt sorry for that woman. I see friends feeling sorry for me when I have both of them in the natural foods store, and I don't even get to finish my coffee, and I am trying to balance my wallet on something to dig out the change for the coffee I couldn't afford and still didn't get to finish.

Well, what a ramble-rant. I can allow this to go on only so long, I guess. I have to find a way to get over myself. The most important thing for me is that they don't remember their mom as scary and mad. -And that Josh doesn't come to regret his decision to do all this. I know I'm not alone. I'm sure it will pass -Zev is very new, and a rough patch is to be expected. I feel better having said all this.

Yes, another photo of the baby:

2009-10-09T17:24:00.005-04:00

I'm still in the honeymoon phase obviously.

In the shop:

2009-09-29T16:52:00.005-04:00

This set:

I liked this so much for Zev that I thought I'd put a few up in the shop. More colors to come if this one sells. (See Etsy badge in sidebar).

SMOOCH!

2009-09-24T23:46:00.002-04:00

$8.00 Baby Hat:

2009-09-23T17:39:00.003-04:00

I finally broke down late last night and purchased a download of the Little Turtle Knits Pilot Hat pattern. I have had my eye on it for quite some time as another blogger has made it look irresistible. I have to say it is a great pattern:

-So warm and cute. My son did not have a proper hat for the coming season, and I justified the expense with the fact that it comes in multiple sizes. Other than that I had no business spending $8 on anything involving my "hobby". We will be spending more time at the apple orchard this year, and hopefully on some hiking trails as well, so he needs hats. Plus...I mean just look at it. I can't wait to make a bunch more colors.

I just wanted some decent photos of my kids:

2009-09-22T20:52:00.004-04:00

Particularly, I wanted to get a nice picture of Ray in her lovely new skirt gifted to us by my friend Diane at Lulu & Bea .

However, she had other ideas:

Likewise, her brother will be modelling an adorable pair of little baby shoes as soon as he fits them and/or stops making this face:

All Quiet:

2009-09-17T13:57:00.006-04:00

My two, plus my daycare child are all sleeping or playing quietly in their room (i.e. Rayona -who refuses to nap before 5:00pm), so I have a moment to post CUTE baby pictures:

-More over at Flickr:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/60949831@N00/

Zev's Birth Story:

2009-09-08T19:42:00.006-04:00

-But first:

Understandably, I have gotten a lot of questions about Zev's birth (as well as his name). The most frequently asked have been:

Q: "Did you do this on purpose?"

A: That's complicated, but sort-of. My daughter's birth two years ago was very painful and traumatic for me -not because of anything that had to do with the hospital, or it's staff. Still, I was so afraid of a repeat of that experience that I had to make everything different this time. The very Idea of laboring in the same space made me panic inside. I had done everything I could to try and arrange an attended home birth for myself, but in the end was unsuccessful. Ultimately, my husband and I decided that I would labor at home as long as possible, and then go over to our local hospital (which is about 3 min. from our house) whenever we felt the time was right. However, if that time never came, we were prepared to stay home if it felt like that was what I needed to do. I had to find a way to overcome my fear of birth, and this was the only way I could see myself through it.

Q: "Weren't you scared?"

A: No. I couldn't afford to be. Actually, being at home, alone, and not under anyone else's scrutiny was the only thing that didn't make me feel afraid. I truly believed that we would have the result that we wanted, and I practiced believing that for months. I practiced so hard that I achieved a state of no fear by about halfway through my pregnancy.

Q: "What kind of a name is THAT?"

A: It's Hebrew: it means "Wolf" or "Deer". It is not short for anything. That's one of the things I like about it.

The Story:

On Tuesday August 18th I was 38 weeks pregnant and feeling very restless, and mentally disconnected. I was spacey, and wanted to be alone in the warm night air. I went for a walk by myself in the evening, and had some pretty strong but erratic contractions which stopped for a few hours after I came home. I was not exactly in my head -very spacey. Then again at about 12:30 am I felt that I needed to go outside and pace around in my driveway, though I was not contracting at that time. I came inside, and went to bed, though I did not sleep well and was waking repeatedly to increasingly uncomfortable contractions.

At 4:45 am on Wednesday the 19th I felt a small gush of fluid which, upon inspection, was amniotic fluid with a little blood. I thought at this point that my bag of waters had broken, but only a little was coming out because the baby's head was blocking the rest. I became nervous and restless for a bit knowing that this was indeed real labor beginning. The smell of amniotic fluid brought back a wave of fear and memory of last time. It smelled like something from the hospital, and not something from my own body. I got back into my bed and did my relaxation technique as described in "Childbirth Without Fear". I tried to stay in bed for a while longer, but was feeling agitated, so I just stayed upstairs and made the bed, folded laundry, etc. until about 6:00 when I decided it was fair to go let Josh know what was going on. He had been sleeping on the couch for a few weeks so that I might have the bed to myself. He asked if he could go back to sleep for a while, and I said "of course".

I did a few minor chores for a while, and then went to the store for milk, and some other things. I treated myself to a couple of fancy yogurts thinking that a bit later I would need food, but not feel like having anything too challenging. My contractions were uncomfortable, but I could still drive and hold a conversation.

At about 1:00 pm my parents stopped by with some lunch, and it was getting harder to talk to people. I ate a little, and then announced that I was retiring upstairs. I went to lie down, and labored in my bed for the rest of the afternoon. Eventually, we asked my friend to come collect Rayona for the night, and at some point my mother came back. Josh and my Mom each napped for a while in the late afternoon, and I got in the tub for an hour or so. Things were getting tougher, but I was feeling fine, and the relaxation techniques were getting me by.

As evening approached I was hurting, and had not progressed past about 2 cm. This was exactly the way my daughter's labor unfolded as well. I began to feel discouraged, and toyed with the idea of going to the hospital, believing that my water had been broken for 12 hours, and I was fearing infection. Throughout this time as well as the evening hours my husband and I calmly discussed the pros and cons of staying vs. going in. He was exactly what I needed. We were both so calm and peaceful the whole day. He kept reminding me that this was exactly what happened the last time, and that my daughter did eventually come out. Every time I questioned my progress he reminded me that I don't follow a normal curve with my dilation. I tend to remain the same until the last hour when I go from hardly anything to full dilation. He even illustrated this visually. I knew that he was right, and continued to labor as I was.

By about 9 pm I was in real pain. I should say here that the most important difference between these two labors was how I chose to handle the contractions. This time I labored silently, and did not move during the contractions -just breathing naturally, and deeply. Last time I cried, begged, screamed, rocked, and that was way worse. This time I just relaxed my whole body, and let the contractions do their thing. The pain was the same, but the fear was absent. For a few contractions my mind felt like a wisp of smoke rising from my body and hovering above me for a moment , then returning to me between contractions when I would sleep so deeply. I could picture myself and the room from above -it was like an out-of-body type of thing. -Quite blissful, really.

At one point I became lucid again, and asked my husband if he thought we should go to the hospital. I was doing labor math in my head, and was concerned about the length of time I had been in active labor with little progress. I was still less than 3cm. He explained to me that I had not been in active labor as long as I thought, and asked me what I expected to have happen at the hospital. I told him I was afraid of Pitocin, and cervical softening agents. He agreed that I was probably right to expect those things. At no point did I ever feel the need to have professional help or pain management, but I did occasionally worry about time. I really had that ingrained in me, I guess.

Just then I felt a pop, and my waters broke for real with a huge gush. I felt very confused, because I thought my water had broken early in the morning. It turns out that was just my membranes rupturing. The next contraction was like someone turned the pain dial ALL the way up, and I could feel the baby's movements like sharp little angles inside. My belly seemed deflated a bit, and the baby's form was more easily seen. I said I needed to get up, and I was concerned about getting the bed wet. I had about two more contractions while sitting on the toilet to let the rest of the fluid out, and decided I wanted my husband to leave for a moment. I had been feeling all day like I had to empty out, but could not, and that feeling was getting worse. I didn't really believe it could be time to push, but I knew that there was no way at that point I could have dressed, gotten into the car and gone anywhere anymore.

The next contraction told me that it was time to get back into the tub. It felt like the only option. The pain was amazing. I had another contraction, and called for Josh. He knelt by the side of the tub. I looked down at my belly and could see it bunching up so hard -the baby was clearly moving down. My body was acting so powerfully. I had another one or two contractions all the while whispering: "No, no, I can't do this, no. I need to go to sleep. I need to throw up. I'm so tired. I just want to go to sleep" It became like a mantra. Then I felt the urge to push more strongly than any force I can remember. I told myself to get up, and let gravity help me stretch without tearing, but I couldn't do it. I pushed once HARD without even meaning to really, and could feel the top of my baby's head with my hand. My body took over, and in two more pushes I delivered his head, and then his shoulders and body. I was looking at my husband's eyes as they grew so wide and he smiled, and said: "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST DID THAT!!! YOU ARE AWESOME!!!" Isn't that what every woman wants to hear at that moment? I will never forget it.

I did know I was going to tear, but I didn't care.
He came out so fast. I needed it to be over. I picked him up under the arms and brought him to my chest. He was slippery, and purple and giving off steam. He let out a yelp, and then a cry, and I noticed that his outstretched finger tips bent backwards in a funny way. I held him close to me. The feeling of relief was overwhelming. The pain was gone. My mother came upstairs when she heard him cry, and peeked in saying: "It sounds like something wonderful has happened!" I turned him over onto his belly and rubbed his back a little, because he was gurgling, and that helped. After a few moments everything but his hands and feet had turned pink. He looked good -really good. We all stared at him for a long moment. Josh said: "Look -brown hair. I knew it." I hadn't even noticed until then.

The tub water was turning red, and my teeth were chattering, so it was time to get out and warm up. I was concerned about enormous clots that I saw in the bottom of the tub. My mom cleared them away, and told me not to worry about them anymore. I delivered the placenta into a towel laid over the toilet seat while nursing the baby. Then we dried off and got into the bed to get warm. I was very cold. Eventually my husband cut the umbilical cord, and we got dressed and called the hospital to let them know we were coming, and to ask that my midwife be there. They met us at the door, and I went to the maternity ward where I was stitched up, and spent the next two nights while they did the baby's assessments, and a vaccine.

This birth was exactly what I needed to do. It was very hard, and just as painful as my daughter's birth, but I was different this time. I was not afraid, and I feel very much healed. The bond between my husband and I has deepened as well. It was so peaceful to have the whole afternoon alone to do this together, and I was overcome with gratitude for his strength and confidence. I could not have done this without him. He knew exactly how to support me. So I no longer fear birth. I no longer fear a lot of things, because I know that I can face up to them, and prevail.

I'm having a hard time:

2009-09-04T20:04:00.004-04:00

How do you not worry about them so much?

My daughter LOVES her baby brother, but me she's not so crazy about most of the time. She's giving me Hell all day long, and rejecting my affections. Maybe I'm over-doing it in an attempt to convince myself that things are the same as before between us. They clearly are not. This will pass, I'm sure, but in the meantime I'm just so hurt.

Maybe she is too.

More Pants:

2009-08-30T21:10:00.000-04:00

Swoon:

2009-08-30T11:38:00.002-04:00

Nap Knits:

2009-08-29T18:30:00.002-04:00

Today we spent the afternoon in rainy quietude listening to music, and my babes gave me some much needed knitting time:

-While snuggling in their handknits.

It is so nice to see those tiny sweaters and blankies being used again. Good thing I went with neutrals for Rayona.

So...

2009-08-28T20:30:00.005-04:00

Things around here are pretty good. I lost a whole week somewhere, and have felt a lot of confusion about time.

I suppose I must've had that last time as well. I'm very disoriented. I have done some errands, and other small outings with the kids this week, and today we took a walk together, so those things are helping me.

I knitted some of my favorite wool pants for Zev a few weeks before he was born:

Yes, it is wool pants weather already around here. -At least if you are a newborn. I just love these things, and I did a special version for a brand new sized baby since I find that nothing really fits them well for the first month. They have a little room to grow as well. I had these in my Etsy shop last year but they never really sold as well as the sweaters and mittens. I have begun another pair of them because these are the only pants he has that fit worth a darn.

As for my son, well I am in love. My husband was kind enough to allow me a whole week of mostly uninterrupted time with him to bond, and now I understand how it is possible to love a second child as much as the first. His smell is intoxicating, and I can't stop kissing his little cheeks. Oh, babies. *sigh*

THANK GOD:

2009-08-21T20:22:00.002-04:00

He's here!!!!!!!!

Zev Jacobson Leipzig: 7lbs. -8oz., 19-1/2" long.

Born at home, unassisted, caught in the water by his Mama:

We went to the hospital right afterward. I kept our bracelets. They say: "Home Delivery" -like he was a pizza, or something.

I will post the birth story later -after a bit of a rest. I feel really good about the way it all happened. I'm proud of myself for following my feelings on this, and also for accepting help after from the hospital staff who were all so kind and congratulatory. I was expecting a different attitude from them. They were wonderful to me. I am very lucky.

A Birthday And a Blessingway:

2009-08-16T15:23:00.005-04:00

First of all: Happy 36th birthday to Josh. You are now closer to 40 than 30...he he. I love you endlessly. I'm sorry you were so tired today because of putting a henna tatto on my belly until late last night, and then having to take turns getting up to deal with Rayona's unexplainable sleeplessness.

Here is the beautiful design. I just love it.

Here it is all finished. It occurs to me that this may be the last bathroom-belly-shot. I hope.

So, second of all I had my blessingway today. It was perfect. I had just two non-family guests, and my husband , and my mother, and my daughter -who refused to wear clothes today. They are all so sweet.

This was just what I wanted. Thank you so much everyone. I love you, I love you, I love you. Now I can birth my baby as everything is in place. Please tell my baby that. Any time now would be good. Any time.

Ahhhhhgghhh.

2009-08-12T10:13:00.000-04:00

I would like my baby now, please.

I need a minute:

2009-08-02T10:48:00.002-04:00

To complain. I know, it's silly, and unproductive, but sheeeesh! I just feel so crappy.

I have four weeks left. -Not a long time, but now I have some sort of tedonitis in my ankle/heel which is not going away despite my best efforts. I can't lie around all day with it elevated, in fact, I have A LOT of ground to cover in a day. I really need to be able to do my chores, and also get outside while the getting is good. I am so frustrated I could scream.

I also have this thing that happens -sometimes during a braxton-Hicks contraction/sometimes not -where I feel like all the breath is stolen from me and I get dizzy and faint feeling, and generally suffocated. No one seems to know what I mean when I say that, and there's nothing wrong with me really, so it just makes everything harder, and there's nothing to be done about it.

Ok, all done I guess.

Well, we're back:

2009-07-28T21:04:00.003-04:00

...actually, we've been back for a week. I am still tired, but catching up with business around here.

We had a really good time -don't I look happy?

I was. It was fun -the weather was near perfect. Photos are up over at Flickr.

In other news, I am now 35 weeks along, and VERY uncomfortable. Five weeks left seems impossible, as I am so large. Everything is fine though, and we are healthy. I'm having a lot of trouble getting around most days due to "Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction". I had it last time too -it just means that the fixed joint at the front of the pelvis begins to come apart, and it causes PAIN.

So of course now is when I choose to take on some more work. I have not made a dime in weeks, and that's really not been good. Add that to going on vacation, and other assorted little expensive disasters that awaited us upon our return, and it looks like I can't just be "resting".

I've gotten the opportunity to take on some more child care for another friend of mine, and although now is not the easiest time, it looks like a fit, as well as a necessity for both her family and mine. The child is another good playmate for Ray, and a sweetie as well, so I think it will be good for the fall and winter. I have to start in a week, but I'll get to have a little break to give birth and recover. So I'll have two of Rayona's friends to take care of in the fall and winter, and that may mean that I don't have to do house cleaning work for a while. That's nice, because I think it will be really hard to bring both of my children to my client's house. I hope it works out.

Oh, Home...

2009-07-09T21:01:00.003-04:00

I will be missing your comforts and charms for ten days as we head off to Cape Cod in the morning!

As much as I look forward to a change of scenery and all the accompanying adventures, I will surely be lacking the ease of my own chores and routines. It is always a bit harder to keep things running the way I like them in a vacation house. I will be focusing on letting go of these issues of mine, and letting the summer wash over me. See you soon.

'Nother Dress:

2009-07-08T17:19:00.004-04:00

I got lucky with a $2 fabric remnant yesterday:

So of course it had to become another sundress. The process went much more smoothly this time. After some research into the alternatives ($!!), it looks like I will be sticking with my old Kenmore machine for quite some time. Maybe it was this knowledge that affected my success with the thing.

Also, FINALLY she has decided that her Waldorf doll is worthy of some attention!!!

I did think she would come around eventually, but I have to admit some frustration over the amount of work that went into a doll that was all but ignored for the last six months. Now it goes lots of places with her. Yay.

In other news, I became aware a few days ago that my baby had shifted into a head-down position as I was pushing the stroller home briskly in the rain. I could feel a very familiar downward pressure as well as a general rounding out of the very bottom of my belly. My pants no longer stay up worth a darn, and the top of my baby bump is a bit lower, which also indicates a descending baby. All good things, except that my pelvis is coming apart again. I had this last time, and it was painful, but this time it feels not only like a dagger to the crotch (sorry), but is also accompanied by clicky lower-back pains. I have EIGHT weeks to go still, and I don't want to curtail my walking activities, but I have to temper time on my feet with rest as well. This is no time to burn out -there's still too much summer fun to be had.

A little Sewing:

2009-07-03T12:27:00.002-04:00

A shirred sundress from fabric I've been saving since she was tiny:

I had another dress in mind for it, but in the end this seemed easier and more economical, because she will be able to wear it for a few summers I hope. Eventually it can be a top.

It turned out very well, though I had a tough time with my machine last night for some reason. The shirring and elastic thread didn't sit well with it, I guess. The pattern is here.

These little skirts are sure to grow in number as they are insanely easy. They are the Oliver & S Lazy Days Skirt pattern minus the ribbon hem to be found here. And again, if they don't become too short they may last a few seasons.

My creative energy sure comes in fits and starts. I can do nothing for months, and then all of a sudden I will sew for three days straight. Now I'm tired. I'd better go lie down.

I do love summer:

2009-06-26T14:23:00.004-04:00

Sunshine and babies:

cool breezy naptime girls:

etc.

I just never want it to end.

Beach Belly!

2009-06-24T15:32:00.002-04:00

30 weeks:

I turn 34 today. My girl and I are going to the beach -just the two of us. This is the last of our time alone together...sigh. That's ok, I'm sure she'll like the beach even more with a sibling!

I'm at that point...

2009-06-11T17:38:00.003-04:00

...right between: "I've got to do this for 11 more weeks?!" and: "I've only got 11 more weeks?!?"

Needless to say, I'm getting uncomfortable. I'm tired, and achy, and I have reflux all the time, and I can't sleep. Right now I totally remember why I said I'd never do this again -not that I feel that way this time -I just remember why I said it is all.

This is why I'm doing it again:

Every day she gives me reasons to remember that.

Oh, setbacks...

2009-05-29T13:27:00.004-04:00

Things have not gone the way we would like with regard to real estate, but we are remaining hopeful, and diligent. Also, I have ANOTHER severe cold. -The second in three weeks.

I feel good most of the time, but then when this starts happening again it seriously affects my quality of life. I am trying really hard to maintain my positivity, but when no one has any answers about why I have this problem it's just discouraging. -And no, it's not allergies. It's recurrent viral infection. I don't really get bacterial infections often either, which is strange. My immune system just seems to have one major flaw. In fact, it's the only health problem that I have. It just happens to be a big one. I am a proponent of the power of belief in a lot of areas of life, and I have a good outcome so far with that generally, but not with this. Maybe it's because my attitude becomes instantly crappy as soon as I feel ANOTHER cold coming on.

On a lighter note, I was thinking really hard this week about a jar of lilacs for my table, and had even brought out a pretty table cloth to use as well. I hadn't had the opportunity to go beg my neighbors for any, but then my mother showed up this morning with a big bunch to make me feel better. It worked very well. My mother has an uncanny ability to read my mind -happens all the time. I seem to send her messages -particularly about objects -and she will then proceed to produce the exact thing that was on my mind. It's weird.

Things are moving along:

2009-05-19T20:02:00.004-04:00

We have a lead on a possible tenant for the house, and have been told that if we provide leases for both dwellings on the property we should have no problem getting the loan that we need.

Here is a gratuitous photo of Ray, so you have something to look at:

Her Daddy got her that dress on a "free day" at one of the thrift shops in town last year along with two others. I not only thought that was the sweetest thing, but he has good taste as well.

It's getting harder to photograph this thing:

2009-05-17T19:29:00.003-04:00

25 weeks, and all is well. I am beginning to slow down a bit physically, and therefore my income generating abilities are not so good.

This last week my body sent me some very definite messages about taking things a little easier that I am unable to ignore. I will be doing less house keeping, and less daycare for others. This, of course, presents a financial situation that we knew was coming sooner or later. The solution we have come up with is to rent our entire property, and try to come up with a loan for a very small fixer-upper in town that will give us a really nice (small) mortgage payment. Now the challenge is to get a renter quickly and convince the bank that this whole property is income, and not debt. We think this will be ok.

We feel good about some decisions that were made this week, and Ray and Daddy celebrated with dancing and apparently a beer.

Yay. This is what they were listening to:

TWO!!

2009-04-26T14:37:00.003-04:00

Oh we had the best party here yesterday. The sun was shining -it was 80 degrees!!! Absolutely perfect. We were surrounded by friends and family, and everyone played until we all had sun burns -it was great.

Then there was that wonderful time of evening quiet as we enjoyed our exhaustion together on the couch. To be followed by pizza with Daddy and Grandpa.

She had so much fun, and slept like a rock last night in her big girl bed. I can't believe it...two years old. My sweet baby girl!

Progress and a Big Butt:

2009-04-07T16:44:00.003-04:00

19 weeks, and things are going well for us so far:

I continue to expand in all directions. I just don't remember being this hungry with Ray -actually, I don't remember being this hungry before ever. Whatever, I've gotta eat, so I'm ingnoring the TWENTY pounds I've gained already.

I have made some pretty important decisions regarding the birth, and I feel really good about them. Although they are based on the limitations of my geographical area, they don't feel very much like compromises. I've been spending what little free time I have doing some much needed personal and spiritual work. I didn't do any of this last time, and I feel like I paid for it. So now I'm really examining what happened with Ray's birth, and what about me I can change to have things be completely different this time. It's not that I have terrible associations with giving birth to her, it's just that the whole hospital scene made me so uncomfortable, and I think it slowed things up a lot. This feels good. I'm finally allowing myself to explore the primal and maternal side of my life without apology. I'm doing what I need to do for myself and the baby, and no one can stop me. How liberating.

Goodbye Jenny:

2009-03-29T17:11:00.003-04:00

We said Goodbye to a friend here yesterday. Our dog was eighteen, and her health was quickly deteriorating.

We had her euthanized. I had very complicated feelings about the whole thing. The last year or so with Jenny was not good, and I was sort of at the end of my rope with the amount of cleaning-up that I could continue to do every day in addition to all of my other cleaning up around here, and at work. I was feeling tired of it, and so was she. My whole attitude was affected by it for a long time, and I think that wasn't good for the rest of my family. So now I feel a mixture of relief, guilt, sadness, loss, and regret that I wasn't able to be nicer to Jenny toward the end. I was just so tired, and we've been trying to sell this damn house for two years, so with people coming through here every week for that long, and a dog that pooped on the floor often -I wasn't at my best or my most understanding. I feel like a real jerk. I am trying to give myself a break on this, but every time I think about that dog I start to cry. I do miss her -I know my husband sure does too. Ray keeps asking: "Where Jenny go?" Then she says: "Jenny went home". -and we tell her that's right, Jenny went home, and she is dead now, and we won't see her again. She doesn't understand, but accepts this answer. We have been explaining "dead" for some time, now. I'm sadder than I thought I'd be. I think we did the right thing. I hope so. I don't know.

No Photo Today:

2009-03-23T20:27:00.002-04:00

Man, it's still really cold here. Ray and I both need to get outside soon. Things are good otherwise. I continue to grow in all directions, but I feel pretty good still. In about three weeks I find out what kind of baby I'm getting this time. That's the most exciting thing, isn't it? I no longer think I'm having a boy due to the fact that my heart cannot ever settle on a name for one. That has to mean something. I have one more girl's name than I currently need, so if it is a girl, she may end up with some kooky double name thing. We'll see.

If this place were warmer:

2009-03-13T18:52:00.002-04:00

I think I would post more if my computer weren't located in part of the house that we don't heat. We can only heat the rooms that we are in most of the time. So Sometimes the office feels as cold as outside, and it's not a good place for thinking or staying. When the weather warms up you'll be hearing a lot more from me.

In the meantime, I dream of sunshine and long walks. Have I metioned this before? Well, I know I'm not alone.

Right now my days are made up of "muddling-through". Trying to remember that better times lie ahead while at the same time appreciating what I have -which is a whole lot:

I do love that little girl somethin' awful, and her daddy too. I am doing well -much better than the last couple months. I feel pretty good most of the time, though a bit tired, especially in the evening. My body gives up a little earlier than usual when I have to do my housekeeping job, too. I wonder how pregnant I will be when I have to stop. Some days at the end of the job I can barely lift Ray without really hurting my back, and I end up spending the evening in the tub after she goes to bed. Not a bad way to go, really, but my muscles seem to lock up on me in ways that they didn't used to. I am taking good care of us, and that helps a lot. Even though our money is dwindling, I do not take on more than we can stand. That is the difference between this year and the last. I feel happy, I am in love with my family, and so grateful to be adding to it.

However, the cold here is bitter, bitter, bitter still. It has a way of wearing at you. Stiff hands, chapped fingers, peeling lips -the things that make mothers old before their time. I see the aging of myself in the mirror every morning -the lines in the forehead that come from nightime money worries and daytime squinting against blinding white sunshine and frozen winds.

Any day now...I always remember that first day of the year that the temperature reaches sixty degrees. I miss driving with no coat on.

A Really Nice Way to Pass the Afternoon:

2009-02-28T15:43:00.002-05:00

My doula came over this afternoon to make me a custom pregnancy tea blend of my very own. The day was really cold and icy, but the dining room was bright and warm.

The smell of Lavender, and sunny Chamomile blossoms was like a memory of summer. Oh GOD I can't wait for summer -I'm not going to waste a second of it this year. This will be my last summer alone with my little girl. I will miss our long stroller walks all around town. We used to meander everywhere on these crumbling mountain sidewalks.

There was that potent, healthy smell in my house today of plants that were tended in the sun.

We have fresh whole wheat pumpkin cake (with raisins -of course) as well, and I think I will take a little with my pregnancy tea this evening.

I have a special little bag of Chamomile blossoms just for Rayona as well, because she loves to have some of Mommy's tea. I think I will incorporate that into her bedtime routine -she will be very excited to have her own cup.

Doing Things Differently This Time:

2009-02-24T13:52:00.008-05:00

There were things about my last pregnancy and birth that fell short of what I wanted. To be fair, I didn't have such a clear IDEA of what I wanted back then, but this time I do. I have decided that this time things will be different, and I will really not settle for much less than what I believe I deserve as a mother, and a woman.

There are aspects of my personality that I shelved last time, because I didn't feel that they were understood, or shared by others around me, and I allowed myself to be swayed by a way thinking about prenatal care that is way more clinical than I like to be. I loved my midwife, but the hospital system stinks. This time that midwife is no longer easily available to me, and my new provider is VERY obstetrical, which makes me really uncomfortable. In my region it is not typically possible for a woman to give birth in the setting of her choice, but I am working very hard to arrange something for myself. In the mean time I am enduring lots of very clinical care. Yuck. I am telling myself that I am lucky to have access to it at all, and that the rest is up to me. I'll just have to learn how to dwell within that system in my own way. What's helping me along is that I've hired a WONDERFUL doula. She is fast becoming a good friend, and making me believe that I can have the birth that I want.

With Rayona I avoided all herbs -on the advice of medical personnel -which is fairly typical. This time I am educating myself in the wisdom of generations hebalists and midwives, and taking some of the nourishing herbs that provide things like calcium and vitamin K. I will also be doing some essential oils, and aromatherapy in preparation for the birth -wherever that may take place. It is really good to feel like I deserve these small things, and that I'm not strictly governed by the opinions of the medical community here.

I've also decided to have a blessingway, which is something I wanted last time, but was afraid that my friends would not understand it. Now I've just learned to give them more credit over the years. I'm really excited about this, and I'm using my restless time before falling asleep at night to dream up all the things I want for that -as well as my ideal birthing environment. My mind's eye has been very busy lately.

I would love to hear any experiences that any of you have had with any of these things as well. I just really want to do things differently this time, and honor the process properly.

Sooooo...

2009-02-14T12:26:00.002-05:00

I've been keeping something under my hat for about 12 weeks now, but I can't wait any longer to get it out there:

Ta-da! Another little one coming along. We couldn't be happier about this. It didn't happen quite as easily as the first time -which was a surprise for us, but I think the timing is acually very good. It turns out that all I needed to do was wean Rayona completely, and we got what we were waiting for immediately after that. I had been reluctant to do it, but based on what I was seeing in my temperature charts (as well as the example of several other women I knew) I began to suspect that was the issue. She was 19 months at that point, so she did fine with it. There was nothing traumatic about it -we just sort of gradually ...stopped. In fact, after that point she seemed to quickly transform from a baby to a little girl, and I felt really good about the decision.

So here we are, and I wasn't sure I would even make it this far what with the barrage of illnesses to add to my usual first trimester woes. Aside from the whole agonizing stomach flu thing I am actually much less sick than I was with Rayona. I threw up FAR less often, and that part seems to be almost over. I do however, have the same amount of reflux. Already. I think I am dealing with it all differently this time, because I had to work for this baby (who is now fully formed, and the size of a small plum). He or she is due in the first week of September which I think is a perfect time to give birth. I am convinced that this one will be a boy. Just a feeling.

SO missing summer:

2009-02-07T10:28:00.003-05:00

I am feeling better. -And I want to thank everyone I know for being so nice to me through all of this. I hope it is over.

I have been doing some SERIOUS daydreaming lately. My mind keeps drifting back to last summer and all of the times we had as a family. One of the most notable was the trip we took to the farmer's market in Burlington:

That was such a lovely afternoon. In these times of dark and grey I keep going over the things I used to do that seem so far away now. I don't know what it is about this winter that has been so different. I've never had so hard a time. Maybe it's all the illness, or the lack of money. Those are valid concerns. I think mostly, though, it has been the most isolated winter I have had. I don't see my husband as often as I need to to be happy, I guess. This is necessary for now. My days are so long, and lonely. If not for my friends I would have gone stark raving mad by now. So thanks, all.

Sick again:

2009-02-02T14:12:00.002-05:00

I was well for two days -now it's another cold already. I was around one toddler who had a runny nose, and my body couldn't defend itself. I'm beginning to suspect that something is really wrong with me. I've never heard of anyone else having this happen. I don't know what to do. Doctors don't think it's anything. I do.

Stomach Flu:

2009-01-28T13:02:00.002-05:00

Well, it was my turn, I guess. Everyone else seems to have had it. This was the single worst viral illness I have ever had in my life -which is saying a lot. I thought I would die. This now makes FOUR major viruses since Thanksgiving. I am losing my good humor to say the least. I can't even remember what it is like to feel good and strong. How did I do so much stuff and so much work last summer? Now I can barely face my basic responsibilities. I feel so helpless, and weak. I want the winter to be over. I want to take long walks with the sun on my back in the late afternoon. No more of this. It's too much.

Now here's a picture of my daughter in her snowpants with junk and boogies on her face. Cute, no?

Yikes:

2009-01-13T19:12:00.002-05:00

This person is really no longer a baby. She is almost TWO.

Her first year seemed very long, and then this second one has slipped by. I feel like we just had her first birthday party a few months ago, but no. She is such a little girl now. I really like it. Babies are great and all, and I miss my baby, but this is where it's at. This child can count a little bit, and sing the first three letters of the alphabet, and several other song beginnings. She identifies the letters 'A' and 'B' everywhere she sees them. She speaks in complete sentances most of the time now, and makes observations to me all thoughout the day. She is good company, and I like her. When I think back to the time before Rayona it seems like a million years ago. It's like she was always here.

Thank you:

2009-01-09T12:38:00.003-05:00

For all the awesome response to Rayona's doll here and on Flickr. I am working as fast as I can on the next two for Etsy. I never expected to get inquiries, but it's a very pleasant surprise. The new dolls will most likely have all knitted clothes as I stated earlier, because I don't have a sewing machine that can do overlock stitching, and I worry about durability with play clothes. I may change my mind about that if I can come up with a really simple blouse or skirt pattern that I like. We'll see. I just know that knitted stuff will stand up to almost anything. Ray likes to take her dolls' clothes off a lot.

Anyway, I got REALLY sick this week. Really sick. I'm sort of better now, but not all the way by any means. Ray had ear and sinus infections. This is the third time since Thanksgiving we've been sick, and it's enough already. Between that and travel the house is still not as clean as I'd like it to be, and I feel powerless to do much about it. Yesterday was the first time all week I could really get up at all. This has to end soon. I need to get back to normal. I want to clean and bake, and do all the things that make this place a functioning home. Everything has just sort of stopped. I also would like very much to leave my house again one of these days, and not just for a miserable, coughing, nauseous, slog through the snow drifts to take the cranky, drippy, crusty, bundled up toddler to the pediatrician, either. There.

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T17:31:00.004-05:00

We are having a lazy day. We both ended up being home for part of the day which was really nice. Damn, it's cold out there.

Poor little Ray is still fighting a cold which includes much clinging, whining, and huge amounts of green boogies. It's clear that she just doesn't feel well at all. She sleeps a lot, and wants to be held at all times. So be it.

2008 was a weird year for everyone it seems. I got to see my baby turn into a child most notably, and we didn't have any family tragedies, so I have to say over all that it was a good year, though financially it STUNK. A few things happened that I was really hoping for.

I have high hopes for 2009. I think it will be better in some ways, but there will be a lot of work to do. That's ok.

I think I may have completed more knitting projects in 2008 than ever before. I must have knitted every day to some extent. I hope to maintain this pace. My Etsy shop has done a tiny bit of business, and I hope for a little more this year. I am very excited about the waldorf dolls, and am dreaming up their little personalities while I await my supplies.

I hope you all are having a great start to your year, and look forward to seeing what the future holds for all of my bloggy friends.

We Had Christmas:

2008-12-29T19:55:00.002-05:00

We travelled back to NJ as usual for Christmas, and had a very busy series of visits. It was all very nice. Rayona was given some wonderful wooden toys by her relatives, as well as some much enjoyed books. The favorite gift by far, however, was the (ahem...) pink plastic princess shoes from our cousin. We have not been able to separate her from them for very long so far. They seem to make her quite happy.

It is good to be home, though sad to leave everyone as usual.

In other news I will be most likely putting up one or two waldorf dolls in the shop this month -one of whom will be African-American if anyone is interested in that. I am excited about it. I hope they will sell, as they are not inexpensive to make. I think I will stick with knitted clothing for them for awhile for a few reasons. One being that I have anxiety attacks about sewing tiny garments, and the other being that I think knitted stuff is better for grabby little ones -at least it seems to hold up better to my daughter. Plus, there's almost nothing cuter than the sight of a dolly in a totally hand knit outfit -no?

Waldorf Doll For Ray -Love Mommy:

2008-12-18T16:50:00.004-05:00

This doll was a real labor of love. I now completely understand why they cost so much ready-made. Not only are the materials expensive, but the process requires a lot of muscle. That said, I LOVED making this for her. I think she turned out to be very cute:

One thing I'll say about being a beginner at this whole Waldorf Doll thing is that there are a few things you probably can only know from experience. For example: how to make a neck that doesn't wobble. I didn't worry about it too much until I started to make her wig. I chose worsted weight wool/mohair yarn, because I had some already, and it was pretty, but HEAVY. So then the head wobbled a little more. I reinforced the neck with a band of knit fabric left over from the body, then another. It wasn't terrible, but I still didn't feel confident that in a year it would hold up. I then decided to take the plunge and re-do the neck. Oh, I forgot to mention that I had to make her head twice, but that's another story. Anyway, anyone who makes these dolls can probably attest to how involved a process it is to remove a head and rebuild a neck once the doll is finished. It was a task, but well worth it, as she now is solid as a rock. I think that this is my favorite project so far, and apart from a few snags I can say that I may have a knack for this. In fact, I am considering putting one up for sale in the shop soon. I wonder if anyone will buy it...we shall see. I could sure use a cheaper source for supplies if anyone knows of one.

Longies:

2008-12-15T11:46:00.004-05:00

There is a pair of tiny wool pants in the shop .

More creative stuff soon. I've had the flu.

We had a lovely time:

2008-12-02T13:27:00.004-05:00

Though I see my parents every few weeks, I had not visited their home in almost a year. I needed a dose of cozy, and I got it. If you'd like to head over to Flickr, there is a large set of photos of the house in which I was raised. My parents gave me my appreciation for the old, and the ornate.

We sat down to our traditional vegetarian Thanksgiving dinner, which is my favorite meal of the year. As a matter of fact, we all love it so much that we repeat it for our Christmas dinner. Although we have a large gathering with all branches of my husband's extended family at the holidays, my parents and I have promised each other to always have a separate meal that maintains our own traditions a few days afterward. You see, there are only three of us on my side, and it is easy for our celebrations to fall away over time, or to be overshadowed, and squeezed by holiday schedules. Especially given how they differ from the rest of the family's. This feels really important to us, and we will always return to it. It is always the same.

When I returned home this year I was really struck by the warmth and glow inside. My mother makes a real effort to surround herself with meaningful art and decorations. Most of them are religious and medieval. "You've gotta tank-up on beauty" she says. My father's work is evident in every corner of the house as well. Church music, early music and classic literature are his world. Both of my folks are highly creative, and I must say that they sort of create their own reality. Their house is like a museum, and I appreciate that they exposed me to so much history as a child. I too tend to live in the past, and ignore present day intrusions whenever possible.

So I felt really lucky to be there, and I am grateful to them for keeping our history warm for me.

Ok:

2008-11-17T15:28:00.001-05:00

There are a few things in the shop now -finally! It's a start.

Tiny Bird:

2008-11-16T12:42:00.003-05:00

Look how a slice of toast is almost as big as her head:

We're still here:

2008-11-14T19:47:00.003-05:00

-Just trying to get a couple of knits together for the Etsy shop for this coming week. A few more things will trickle in shortly after that. There will be 0-6mo baby cardigans in some really nice colors, and a few pairs of kids' mittens, and then some soaker pants like the ones Ray has. I am also open to suggestions.

I've been hit:

2008-11-03T18:53:00.003-05:00

I've been tagged by Darling Petunia, so here goes:

The rules:

1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

So:

1. I was born and raised in NJ, then I moved to the Adirondacks for reasons which are now totally irrelevant.

2. I am really REALLY unobservant when it comes to local landmarks -as in -when someone gives me driving directions, and tells me to turn left at the McDonald's I'm like: "There's a McDonald's in Saranac Lake?" However, I know every street in my town, because I have walked them all.

3. I cannot make Saran Wrap work for me. I am totally confounded by it.

4. I have never been able to sleep as well as other people.

5. I am not in any way a religious person, and I believe in nothing except the feeling I have that people take a while to go away entierly after they die. I feel that people attach themselves to their places and belongings. However, if they believe very strongly in Heaven, I believe that they go there, because it exists for them. -if that makes ANY sense at all.

6. I knew what my daughter's name was as soon as I knew about her, but had not given it any real thought before that (she is named after a character in a novel). I also know what my next daughter's name is -(I just still need to bring her into being!). I believe that these two people are inevitable, and that there is also a third. No, I'm not crazy, but I feel strongly about children.

7. My husband and I have not addressed each other by name in eight years, and we never will, because it somehow feels uncomfortable and embarrassing to both of us.

Sorry all, but the rules are the rules:

Cari

Bertha

Psychic Seashells

Red Dirt Mother

Blue Yonder

Little Home Blessings

Eat Play Love

So Anyway...

2008-10-29T18:14:00.003-04:00

...look behind the cat. This is what I woke to this morning.

-There you have it.

Finally:

2008-10-25T17:22:00.004-04:00

A bread recipe I can handle.

To be found here. It's very good, and substituting butter for the shortening did not seem to hurt anything.

We have a nature table this year:

2008-10-22T13:47:00.003-04:00

Last week we went walking in the woods together for a few hours. It was warm and sunny, and just heavenly. My girl is big enough to walk with me now instead of only being carried, and she was picking up all these tiny pinecones and putting them in the bag we brought. She also loved the milkweed we gathered at the edge of a field. She said: "OOOoooh!!" as they floated away on the breeze. (It is worth noting that wool pants are excellent even for kneeling on the forest floor, and repel dirt surprisingly well.) She likes the nature table, and points to it saying: "PINEcoh!" -so cute.

So today we have light snow:

It's time, I suppose. I love early winter, but detest late winter -which is understandable, since fully half our year is winter here. Oh well, time to get working on some more woolens -gotta fill up that Etsy shop.

Well we went

2008-10-21T16:38:00.002-04:00

...to Rhinebeck, and it was great. This trip was bittersweet, as we are remembering Josh's mom a lot right now, and the sheep and wool festival was the last place we saw her. Never-the-less, we had a wonderful time together as a family. The weather was considerably colder than last year, but still gorgeous -as was the drive there and back.

Ray is much better able to appreciate the animals this year and had lots of fun. She particularly liked the alpacas ("Hi-pAca!" is how she says it).

As for stuff around here, there is a new pair of yellow wool pants running around:

I love these things. I decided to change up the pattern a lot this time. I have also been knitting baby cardigans for sale on Etsy soon, and I may add some of these pants too.

Today felt like a day to not go anywhere. It's raining and bitter, and grey. The house feels big, and empty, and cold, and dark. Except for the kitchen. I keep that warm by closing all the doors to it, and keeping the light on, and the various coffee and breakfast smells linger there which is a comfort. It feels like a soup night to me.

A new video...

2008-10-16T22:13:00.001-04:00

...for a song I had not heard before by one of my favorite musicians. What a treat.

This made me cry a little:

2008-10-15T20:20:00.001-04:00

I HAVE FOUND SUCH JOY

by Grace Noll Crowell

I have found such joy in simple things;
A plain, clean room,
a nut-brown loaf of bread
A cup of milk,
a kettle as it sings,
The shelter of a roof above my head,
And in a leaf-laced square along the floor,
Where yellow sunlight glimmers through a door.
I have found such joy in things that fill My quiet days:
a curtain's blowing grace,
A potted plant upon my window sill,
A rose, fresh-cut and placed within a vase;
A table cleared,
a lamp beside a chair,
And books I long have loved beside me there.
Oh, I have found such joys I wish I might Tell every woman who goes seeking far For some elusive, feverish delight,
That very close to home the great joys are:
The elemental things--old as the race,
Yet never, through the ages, commonplace.

What I'm making:

2008-10-05T13:15:00.003-04:00

...well it's already made, I guess. I knitted this in the last three days for a baby shower today.

It's just my same favorite baby cardigan pattern, although because it's been a longish time since I've made one I botched some aspects of it royally. Oh well, the end result is pretty nice, and the recipient is not a knitter, so I'm sure it will be appreciated.

Is there anything cuter...

2008-10-03T14:27:00.002-04:00

...than a toddler in homemade pants?

I don't think so.

This is the Tiny Birds Organics wool soaker pants pattern, and it's a good one, except for the seams. I hate sewing seams. I believe I will make more of these, but I will adapt the pattern for in the round. I hate sewing seams -did I say that already?

Also, I seem to be drawn to purple things right now. It's one of those situations where I suddenly realized how many purple things I have and I just sort of put them together. The result is very cozy and pleasing.

A Shot From Today:

2008-09-29T20:50:00.007-04:00

I am enjoying the Leaf Peepers group on Flickr. Thanks for the invite -you know who you are.

Just for Pretty:

2008-09-28T17:24:00.002-04:00

This is a tree in our yard. I have wanted to get out and take more foliage pics, but I'm just feeling so out of sorts and very tired. I hope this is over with soon whatever it is.

Unrelated, I have been making our own yogurt again, and now that I have gotten used to the process it's going smoothly. I find that adding a few tbsp. of dry milk to the fresh does help thicken it up, and it's delicious. It doesn't last very long, but is cheaper than store bought.

I did a photo shoot the other day which went pretty well. I have had access to my business associate's D90 which is very nice indeed. I love my D40, but I need more lenses, and am NOT in love with the idea of buying the specialized CPU type needed for it. I may need to make the switch to another camera body one day. You know, if the house ever sells, and I can earn more than I owe again.

We have been using all the jars of beans and grains in our pantry in combination with bits and pieces of fresh stuff from the last few farmer's markets of the season. I can make really good soup out of almost anything, and it's nice to have this time of year.

I have been thinking a lot about patience lately. I think I have a good deal of it at this point in my life. I think I have had to. I am working on gratitude, and the maintenance of hope. These things are tough right now. I lose hope after long stretches of having to be so patient, and it seems the two go hand in hand for me. Patience turns into a sort grim acceptance of my situation. None of this is helped by the fact that I don't feel well, and that I can't seem to make it through the afternoon without a nap. I cannot afford to take a nap every day. I don't know any mother who can. I am also lonely, and at the same time I avoid my friends when I don't feel like I have the energy to be positive or giving. I'm sure I'm not alone in this.

My Flash is Back:

2008-09-24T20:46:00.002-04:00

Before:

After:

Who knew it took so much artificial light to make things look natural? Also, I now have a child who is old enough to ride a little bike while eating a sandwich AND pretending to be a lion (see first photo bottom corner for sandwhich). She is an infant no longer. I like babies and all, but this is so nice. I mean, she's PRETENDING. That's so amazing, and she talks A LOT. Every week she has new words, and some of them she just picks out of casual conversation.

By the way, that cute little calico shirt came from Lulu & Bea and it's become a favorite of mine. I am trying to decide for myself if it's worth finally offering up some knitted kids items for sale. People have been telling me for years when they see Rayona's sweaters that I should do this, but I am not a fast knitter. I feel like the amount of time that goes into these items is more than what can be recovered financially. We'll see -I am faster than I used to be. I also may be teaching a beginner's knitting class at a coffee shop in town this fall. I need to diversify my income a bit. My body is telling me that I need to rest from cleaning, and I have not been feeling well at all lately. I have been very tired, and somewhat depressed on and off. I'm not sure what's going on, but it's really interfering with business as usual.

Anyway, I have changed my comments settings to allow anyone without a Blogger account to leave comments. I have heard that that was an issue for some.

Why we live here:

2008-09-23T17:56:00.004-04:00

In keeping with the whole "spending-more-time-together-as-a-family" thing we took a trip to Keene again -this time for a hike:

Those tiny blue and red dots are my family.

It was splendid -one of those really chilly Autumn days where the air is sharp and wet. It was misty out, but the sun did break through a few times. Days like this make me realize how much I have been missing my husband. I can't remember if I have mentioned it before, but he works rather far from here, and has to leave early, and come home late. This is one of the problems with our region -the lack of very much work close by. It depends, of course, on what you do for a living. For the past few years he has been doing layouts for a newspaper publisher. He is also finishing up his apprenticeship to become a tattoo artist -which is what he really would rather do. This commits him to a few days a week in addition to his full-time schedule. So time is a problem for us. I like our Sundays very much.

Anyway, please head over to Flickr for the rest of the photos -there are some nice ones. (I am still waiting for my speedlight, though.)

We had the most lovely day:

2008-09-13T22:12:00.002-04:00

We finally made it over to the Burlington Farmer's Market today. It's a 2-1/2 hour drive from here, but that gave me some uninterrupted knitting time. Please head over to Flickr for photos -there are some good ones.

The first thing I noticed is that food seems to be waaaay more abundant in Vermont than in the Adirondacks -for obvious reasons. We are not much of a farming community. We have the world's shortest growing season for one thing, and not much space that isn't occupied by lakes or pine trees. So it was really nice to see so much local food. I must have taken 10 different pictures of eggplants. It was exciting. Also, there were such beautiful flowers.

I like this shot:

One of the highlights of the day was the fact that I got to meet Diane ! She was very warm and funny in person just like she is on her blog, and I had a really nice time talking to her. She is my first "crossover" friend from the blogiverse to real life. That was fun. I also came home with an adorable (and well made, I might add) shirt for Rayona from Diane's shop -Lulu & Bea. I will provide photo proof of this soon.

So altogether, I am loving all this time off from work, but sweating finances big time. Ray and I clean two or three days a week, and spend the rest of our time at the park, and the library, and the coffee shop. This can't last. Oh well, we have a few more fun weekend excursions planned with Daddy. Next weekend we are going on a hike, and in October we will go to Rhinebeck . I'm sure we'll do some stuff in between. I love having a sane schedule, and I look forward to the day when our housing is affordable again so that it can continue.

So please check out the rest of the photos -I love the fall!

Finally:

2008-09-03T16:03:00.003-04:00

I was out in the yard sanding some of the paint chips off of Ray's rocking chair when I realized that I finally had a moment to lie back and LOOK UP. -So naturally I grabbed my camera first, but the important thing to note is that it's Wednesday, and I didn't work today or yesterday. Of course I didn't make any money, either. I need the rest, and it's good to have my schedule slow down. In fact, it turns out that I may be able to switch from cleaning to photography sooner that I had thought. It remains to be seen, though. I'm hopeful, and awaiting some information.

It's already beginning to look like fall around here.

Free:

2008-08-27T20:28:00.004-04:00

From the side of the Road in Tupper Lake last Sunday:

I'm not sure what I'll do with the little yellow dresser right now, but who can pass that up? Maybe it will house my fabric stash, and the pink and white mirror will go in Ray's room over her dresser. I LOVE these two things. Now I have to have a yard sale to justify bringing more furniture into the house. Out with the old, in with the...um...old, right? I sure miss my flash. it goes in the mail tomorrow which is scary.

All of these:

2008-08-25T23:28:00.003-04:00

They're all blooming at once for the first time ever, and I've had most of them for several years:

There's another one I'll get to when it's all the way open. I think it's the one my mother-in-law gave me when Rayona was born. I also have the one that was hers -it bloomed right around her birthday. So sad. I miss her.

I have received my new 10.5" skillet in the mail today. I cleaned and re-seasoned it right away, and then baked a half-whole wheat-cherry-upside-down cake in it. Which is perfect. It has ground walnuts in it which make it super rich. That and the entire stick of butter that went in, but that's neither here nor there. I'd show you a picture, but my crappy on-board flash doesn't do it justice. The point is that this pan is the right size for regular cake baking. I love cooking things in a skillet. My Dad passed along to me a 7" one that belonged to his mother last night. It's just the right size to fry an egg, or maybe bake one of those tiny-dense-almond-flourless-type cakes. Maybe you know the ones -they're french, I think.

Well...it's something at least:

2008-08-12T20:07:00.004-04:00

Some meager offerings from my plants, and a nice cake I made in my skillet (apple upside-down). I hate on-board flash. What a brat I am that this bothers me so much. I guess I like taking photos more than I thought.

My Speedlight quit.

2008-08-10T16:38:00.004-04:00

Right in the middle of the job. The capacitor stopped charging, and the ready light would not come on, and no matter what freshly charged batteries I stuck in there it still said "batt". I looked it up, and there is a circuit that goes bad, and a new module needs to be put in. So this is pretty much exactly what I was so afraid of, and it happened. It was like a bad dream. I tried not to panic, but it was one of the single most stressful events in my recent memory. I had to finish the whole reception with my on-board flash, and the photos LOOK LIKE SHIT. I felt so bad about it I wanted to cry. At least I got the ceremony, and all of her wedding party photos. I will never do another wedding again without a backup flash. Not that I will ever be able to afford one. So it goes. I feel like a tool.

Anyway, now I have no speedlight for however long it takes Nikon to fix it and send it back. Where did I put that warranty card?

Anyone else know about this product?

2008-08-09T11:56:00.006-04:00

It's one of my favorite things. I know you can't get it everywhere -I guess it's a nothern thing.

Toasted with butter and a cup of coffee. Yum!

I'm trying to enjoy these little things each day as I can. My schedule is absolutely killing me, and I've missed much of the summer. No action on our house still, and someone else is getting the beautiful little cottage we were so hoping for. My heart was broken for about a day, and then I managed to remind myself that anywhere is a good home as long as my loves are safe and sound. I need a break from the bills, though. Today I go to my first wedding as the hired photographer. I'm a little nervous, mostly because it's a once in a lifetime event, and if something goes wrong that would be tragic, and the bride will hate me forever. At least that's how I see it at about 4:00 in the morning when I'm wide awake, and at my most unreasonable. Whatever -I'm sure I'll do fine. Sort of.

Anyway, it's Saturday, and I don't have to be at work until three, and my husband is home too, and this never happens, so we're off to take a nice walk.

Mmmmmm...

2008-08-03T19:52:00.002-04:00

Oh, also:

2008-08-02T17:48:00.003-04:00

I got this at the flea market while we were on vacation. I've wanted one for the longest time, and this one is awesome. It's HUGE (12"), and very old. I cleaned, and re-seasoned it a bit, and now nothing sticks to it. I've used it for french toast, and a spinach & zucchini frittata. Both were perfect.

I was giddy over this purchase and no one seemed to understand it, except for maybe Josh a little. -But only because he knows how I am, not because he'd get all mooney-eyed from a skillet. It's a bit romantic perhaps, but I wonder about the other women who used this before me. I like old household tools. I like the worn, and handled, and well loved possesions of others. I feel like this is a right of passage almost. Plus, now I can stop burning my pancakes on stainless steel. Oh, I'm so looking forward to plates of eggs, and maybe falafel, and veggie burgers, and grilled cheese, and fried green tomatoes, and fried zucchini, and I bet it will bake coffee cakes too. Anyone get this at all?

The Cape:

2008-08-02T16:46:00.004-04:00

Well, we went on a real vacation for the first time in several years. It was so nice -Cape Cod is very beautiful, and quite different from here.

We stayed in this lovely house:

My father-in-law (the painter) rented this place so that he could paint some artist friends of his whose studio is here as well. There are so many photos from this trip that I think Flickr is the best way to share them, so please take a look if you like.

It was a great trip, and we are so grateful for the opportunity to spend time together as a family. Unfortunately, until we can unload our house we are both forced to work so much that we don't see nearly enough of each other. I need this to change, and soon. My schedule is wearing me out, and when I'm at work there is little quality time with Ray. It turns out that neither of the potential buyers we were waiting on are in a position to make an offer. So we're still stuck. For me, money worries are a particular trouble. I have a tendency to let them ruin a lot of potential fun, and rob me of relaxation and sleep. I'm obviously not alone in this, but I am the sort of person who lets worry get totally out-of-hand. I have to make a huge effort to keep that in check. I just want a little bitty house that we can afford without me having to do a million cleaning jobs a week with baby in tow. I know how much wanting things and situations different than what you've got can mess you up, though. So I'm working on all this all the time in my head, and in my soul. I know I've done the right thing. I truly do believe that women have the right to raise their own children if possible, and I'm not putting anyone in daycare. I also don't want to lose everything I've worked for over the years or put us all in financial peril. I may have already done that, though. I sure do need something to happen pretty soon.

'Nother Blouse:

2008-07-09T15:45:00.003-04:00

Same pattern, but I altered the sleeves a bit. They were much too poofy and wide for my arms, so it took me a few tracings to get it right. I made muslins to check for fit. I have this great book which I bought for $3.00 at the thrift store months ago, and it has taught me tons about pattern making. Not that I now know tons, but much more than I did before. As you can see, the patterns are a bit dated, but the basic rules do not change.

Another lucky find: Baskets, also $3.00 a piece. This is my preferred method of baby toy and book organization. She can help herself to her stuff, and it takes like two seconds to put things away. She can also help participate in tidying which I think is really important for little kids.